THERE'S PORN . . . NOW WHAT DO I DO?
After checking your computer, if you find pornography's fingerprints and presence, what is the next step? It is going to be a startling discovery - and one where the temptation to become angry and vengeful is strong. However, you need to be careful and make sure that you are going to take steps to make sure that this is effectively dealt with and handled. The goal is to stop this behavior and begin a positive move forward towards changing the problem. Here are steps to take once it is proven that porn has taken residence in your home.
- Prayer - Make sure that you spend a good amount of time in prayer before doing anything. You need to make sure that you are not operating in your own flesh, out of your own hurt. As painful as this time is, there still needs to be love and mercy and grace extended. Pray that God will allow you to be going through the whole process in a correct manner. Pray that the truth will come out, that the person using porn will be honest and willing to address the issue. Pray that God's Word and Truth will set them free (Isaiah 61:1-4).
- Confrontation - This is a very difficult part of the process. No one like conflict, and this will be a big conflict. And in many cases, the user will not want to deal with things easily. We have seen fathers blame their sons, sons blame the father, brothers accuse each other. Finding out who is the user is part of this, because it will dictate some of what happens later. Use some of the tips from our How to Recognize Porn Use page to see if that will help. If you only have small children, then it is easy to see that a parent is responsible. Once the kids are older, it could be either child or parent. If there is no way to know, confronting the parent first is the best option. Be controlled during this time, and know that the confronted person may become defensive, angry, or withdrawn. They also may lie. But this has to be done. It is a good plan to have the evidence with you (print out copies of files, or make screen captures of the internet files and/or cookies).
- Discussion - Beyond just confrontation, there needs to be a discussion of the situation. You need to explain how this makes you feel. There needs to be a talk about where to go from here - and an agreement by the user to take efforts to stop visiting these sites. This may not be the first conversation. During this whole process, good communication must be a goal. Many women who discover their husbands are using porn will go through waves of guilt, shame, worthlessness, anger. Needing to discuss this is not "harpng on the problem." It is part of working through the issue. Children need to understand how this is goign to affect them if they do not stop. That may take time to really sink in.
- Protection - Begin the process of putting computer controls in place. See our How to Protect Your Computer page for tips on how to do this. The protection process should not be a vindictive "You messed up and I'm going to punish you with these settings" approach. It needs to be done as a way to help the user during their weak initial steps to be successful.
- Counseling - Porongraphy is addictive on a magnitude of crack cocaine. A person who has been using porn for ten years has developed a serious habit - and counseling may be a necessary approach to defeating the draw. In addition, if the husband or wife is involved, it could be a sign of more serious problems in the marriage. Also, the discovery of porn on the computer will break trust and cause many ramifications. A counselor is a good option for married couples to help them get through the shock and tenison of the discovery. Find a good Bible-based counselor - one that truly believes in the power of God's Word and not just man's wisdom.
